I have been struggling with this for a while, which might account for my disappearance. I have been writing a lot of “private” entries. However, maybe it would be good to throw this into the open WordPress air. Not only for self relief but perhaps, and this remains one of the main goals of this blog, to help those who are in the same rocky boat I am. (Hello there!)
You see, recently through people I’m been engaging with, I’ve been starting to realize that the typical evangelical church seem to purport, under the pews, that you can buy religion… somewhat.
I’ve always believed somewhat naively, that all you need is God, to desire Him, to love Him, to stay at His feet, with obedience through action for Him but I am getting really… really… tired of listening to so so many people around me telling me I must share the gospel, and the way they say it so insistently and persistently… that it’s as if I’m not a good christian if I don’t share, and if I don’t convert 10000 people by the time I die, God isn’t going to accept me. Why? Because the good Christian obeys God and his Will, and that will can only be seen in the Great Commission and I’m starting to get tired. I’m tired cos I don’t feel that way. I feel that one’ s love for others should be the basis to reaching out rather than throwing the Bridge of life into every person’s face screaming “READ THIS READ THIS AND YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEEENNNNN”. I feel that sharing the gospel can be slow process, and that regardless of sharing, having a relationship with God is the most important thing.
So I’ve always told myself, and I’ve always prayed believing that God knows my heart and he uses the people who wants to be used by Him. But it seems I’m wrong. God does not use people with intentions. He uses people that have been serving the ministry for gazillion years, shared one on one with 20000 people, shared the gospel to 1 million people, and well, the pursuit of God can take a backseat if you please, cos that’s not important.
I’m sure some will agree with such words, and if so, I’m getting tired of hearing it. Please don’t flame me for this but in all sense of its meaning, I don’t feel free. I don’t feel that the relationship with God is one without shackles to sins but rather I am now shackled to things that will “increase my value” as Christian. I feel that God won’t accept me as I am but only if I meet certain requirements.
The odd thing is, God himself seems to be telling me otherwise. It was odd that every time one of those people tells me so, the message and sermon of the day would say otherwise. But it isn’t long before those who hears the message forgets it and forges a list of things the good Christians need to do. Honestly, I was once more at the point of losing my faith. Not really losing because I would still have believed in God and Christ and the cross. But I was so happy then. No longer was I accountable to men. No longer did such thing deter me from worship, from the Word. No longer did I have to worry about this and that. Now all that binds me is a sense of duty. To what? Perhaps to everything. I’m getting tired of telling myself I’ll never be good enough.
Isn’t it odd that we tell non Christians that Christ loves us and accepts us as sinners, as who we are, and that in Christ we are saved. Yet when we become Christians we are no longer accept them as the repentant sinner, but as a fellow worker who needs to please his master, and soon the chase for our value as Christians begins. If Christianity is that… then I really do need to rethink where I stand..